I’ve had this misshapen lump of inert matter shoved in the back of my cupboards for a few years, after receiving it from people I didn’t know who were hosting a Christmas dinner and felt they had to give everyone something. It would have been better if they’d given us nothing – they’d already served a nice dinner after all. Why spoil it by foisting junk on people? I admit I didn’t receive it well, with a quiet exclamation of, “Tasting spoons? What the hell?” It was an obvious regift, bought by the kind of idiots who buy idiot junk for other people thinking, “I’m sure they won’t have this!” Yes, I’m sure no one would have set of “tasting spoons” because it’s possibly the dumbest fucking idea ever conceived out of a brain-diseased foodie’s asshole.
I’m going to sound like a total ingrate, because we’re all supposed to receive gifts gracefully no matter how ill thought out they are. No matter how much of a burden they’re inevitable to be, cluttering our cabinets while serving no function other to annoy us with their existence. My hatred for this shit can’t be measured in magnitudes of any scale. There is no hyperbole large enough to contain it. If you share with me the idea that all things should be either beautiful, useful, or otherwise consigned to the scrap heap, join me on my joyful rant as the yule tide floods us all with more crap we never knew we didn’t want until it lands in our laps with a shiny bow and dares us to confront the void of brain-dead consumer spending and the society that pisses away people’s lives to make literal garbage. Fa la la la la la…
First, to describe these abominations in full: they are a set of cheap ceramic spoons, similar to Chinese soup spoons (which would actually be beautiful and useful, as opposed to these boring blank things with stupid handles), set in a glass rack that can’t be repurposed for anything better. The idea is you make an unsatisfying amount of “gourmet” food for your stupid foodie friends, and everyone gets one tiny spoonful. Then, once you’re done tasting, you’re left hungry and have to clean these stupid single-purpose spoons after one incredibly pretentious snack.
What kind of person only makes enough food for people to enjoy one bite? A stingy asshole. What kind of person needs an ultra-specialized delivery mechanism for one bite of food? A stupid asshole. These spoons are for assholes. In fact, the only other use I can think for them is to directly shove them rectally. I’m sure someone would be totally into that. They could use these spoons to make a porno, which would be better than using them for their intended purpose because it’s exactly what these stupid shit scoops deserve.
I am morally opposed to the “tasting spoons.” They have no right to exist. Someone wasted man hours thinking this dumb shit up, poorly designing it, then having it manufactured in a sweatshop in China – only adding to the sum total misery in the world. They then pumped more carbon into the atmosphere, and probably killed several marine animals, shipping it back to America to waste some idiot’s money. They could have contributed to the world more by punching that idiot in the gut and stealing their wallet, because then that idiot wouldn’t subject their idiocy on everyone who had to endure the “tasting spoons” in some way or other. Their fate, whether they’re ever used or not, is to end up in the landfill wasting space on this precious planet.
These “tasting spoons” have only served to contribute to the sum total entropy of the universe. And as all entropy equals information, what information do the tasting spoons reveal? That we, as a race, value neither the planet nor other human beings, but only the almighty dollar, and churn out useless crap to try to squeeze as much as we can out of everything and everyone to no benefit. Future archaeologists will piece these spoons together and, if they can discover their inane purpose at all, will conclude that the 21st century was filled with fucking morons.
I’ve held on to these things for a couple years because I don’t know of what fate they’re most deserving. I don’t want to clutter up the landfill with them before they’ve been significantly denigrated. I’d give them away on Freecycle, my usual policy for getting rid of useful things I no longer need, but I don’t want to meet the kind of idiot who’d want the damned things. I sure as hell don’t want to contribute to the sum total idiocy in the universe by passing them on to someone who’d use them for their intended purpose. I’d use them for skeet shooting, but don’t own a gun. I want them out of my life by this Christmas. That’s my present to myself. Suggestions for their proper disposal are most welcome in the comments below.
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You have my permission to use them on a back patio or equivalent by SMASHING THEM TO BITS. This is the only possible way to get rid of the anger they’re causing you.
I would suggest a way of containing the debris as you smash it (and you can add the name of a former boss or teacher you particularly despise in black marker). Hammers are nice if you can’t smash them by dropping.
You have my permission. In case you needed permission.
PS Not my idea. A therapist suggested I do this a while back. I bought some $1 plates at the Dollar Store, wrote on them, and smashed them to smithereens. Very satisfying. Don’t forget to ‘process’ the rack, too. Enjoy!
Smashing them is definitely my fall-back option if I can‘t think of anything more entertaining to do with them, but I actually don’t have that much anger left in me. I riled up a comical wrath over them for this blog post, but then I stuffed them back in the cupboard and got on with my day. I’ve also thought of tossing them out in the street with a summation of my blog post here in the hopes of entertaining some random passers by.
My thought is that you should throw them off the balcony. It’s not especially safe, but think of the lovely crashing noise! Alternatively, you could use them to feed the cats for portion control, use them to fling things at people, maybe use them for shaping cookies…tie elastic bands around them and use them as eyeshades? Tiny massage paddles? Cat massage paddles? Candle holders? Essential oil dishes for aromatherapy or the kind of scent organ Aldous Huxley talked about it Brave New World?
This is anti-climactic, but I ended up chucking them down the garbage chute, one piece at a time, and listening to the satisfying clunks and smashes as they all went down.