{"id":641,"date":"2015-07-02T22:51:21","date_gmt":"2015-07-03T05:51:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/?p=641"},"modified":"2016-06-03T14:11:13","modified_gmt":"2016-06-03T20:41:13","slug":"how-to-murder-an-earworm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/how-to-murder-an-earworm\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Murder an Earworm"},"content":{"rendered":"

So I\u2019ve managed to stick to my vow to write for an hour minimum every day, but all I\u2019ve written is crap and I haven\u2019t been able to edit it because I\u2019ve been sick the whole damned week and my brain is fuzzy and no does grammar good. So without further ado, here\u2019s a load of crap:<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t you hate being earwormed by a song you hate? My hatred for certain songs comes close to being full on misphonia. I mean, I get seriously enraged. It\u2019s not healthy. I\u2019m not going mention any songs in particular, because that would be like telling someone, \u201cBy the way, here\u2019s my anti-Kryptonite, the thing that will turn me into the Incredible Hulk. Feel free to fuck with me for a laugh.\u201d (By the way, the blog post will be extra sweary. This is unfiltered shit you\u2019re getting here.) I\u2019m exactly like this bear<\/a>, and yes I even love Gary Numan so much that playing We Have a Technical<\/em> is the secret sauce to chilling me out from an angry high.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Anyway, certain songs \u2013 mostly children\u2019s songs \u2013 set my brain on fire and make me want to scream. I don\u2019t know what it is about them. It could be their utter banality, their toxicly simple tunes that tend to repeat endlessly on a fucking loop \u2013 the very thing that makes some so damned catchy that when one worms its way into my brain it makes me want to pith<\/em> myself.<\/p>\n

So I was minding my own business today when a certain Christmas song started up in my head \u2013 in July \u2013 because I\u2019m sick and my brain hates me, and boy do I ever hate Christmas songs. I blame years of piano lessons where I was forced to play the same goddamned Christmas songs over and over to prepare for the goddamned Christmas recital I didn\u2019t even want to go to, and then play my embarrassingly horrible song in front of an audience and then have to sit through every other kid playing their horrible Christmas songs for two godforsaken hours. Every year. Until at 12 I told my parents I wanted to quit piano lessons, just because I hated the fucking recitals that goddamned much!<\/p>\n

Anyway, this Christmas song is nutting me in the head like a Call of Duty teabagger, so I did with it the usual thing when I have to endure such torture: I yell, \u201cShut up shut up shut up!\u201d to drown it out. Not out loud, because all I have to drown out is my own brain. It\u2019s more like part of my brain yells at the other part of my brain until it stops singing like a bored inmate in a looney bin. But it doesn\u2019t always work. I mean, I can temporarily block it out, but the minute I stop yelling \u201cshut up\u201d it starts back up again. If the tune\u2019s not too bad, I can replace the lyrics (which I can\u2019t remember anyway) with stupid ones, but more often I just sing \u201cshut up\u201d to the tune because I\u2019m too annoyed to be clever about these things.<\/p>\n

But if I hate the tune itself, I have to do something more drastic. I have to imagine myself murdering the fuck out of whoever is singing it. If it\u2019s a known celebrity this is easy, but I don\u2019t keep up with pop trends, so if it\u2019s some top ten garbage I can\u2019t get away from, I just have to imagine what the person looks like. Unfortunately, there\u2019s only one kind of person I could imagine singing this gawdawful Christmas song, and that\u2019s a little Shirley Temple-type cherub.<\/p>\n

Now, I don\u2019t condone assaulting children in real life, but I just had to beat this imaginary Children-of-the-Corn wannabe with a baseball bat until her head caved in. This was cartoon violence in my head, mind you. I\u2019m not into gruesome shit, so when her head flew off like a t-ball off a post, it was more like knocking off the head of a doll.<\/p>\n

But the singing wouldn\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n

There was a whole goddamned choir singing in there, on a stage, wearing little choir robes and coat-hanger halos with white fuzzy crap wrapped around them. To shut the twee little fuckers up, I had to gun the whole lot down with a machine-gun. In slow-mo, like some trashy sploitation horror film from the 70s with super fake special effects \u2013 like, you could tell these were really bits of mannequins flying everywhere. Again, because I don\u2019t condone mass child murder in real life and imagining such a thing in any detail is super gross.<\/p>\n

So finally. FINALLY. The song shuts up. So that\u2019s how you murder an earworm.<\/p>\n\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>\"mail\"<\/a>by <\/span>\"feather\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So I\u2019ve managed to stick to my vow to write for an hour minimum every day, but all I\u2019ve written is crap and I haven\u2019t been able to edit it because I\u2019ve been sick the whole damned week and my brain is fuzzy and no does grammar good. So without further ado, here\u2019s a load […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[45],"tags":[15,24],"class_list":["post-641","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stupid","tag-bullshittery","tag-rants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/641","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=641"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/641\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":904,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/641\/revisions\/904"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=641"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=641"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=641"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}