This is my commentary on cynical and \u201cedgy\u201d advertising campaigns. It was originally written for the Something Awful Chickencheese Challenge.<\/em><\/p>\n A dead man lay in the alley on 14th and 14th, his body already covered in light snow. Started an hour ago\u2014no fresh tracks except the homicide crew shuffling behind police tape. As the white shit settled on the stained pavement, it turned into a blood slushy. I pulled my coat collar around my ears and kneeled beside the corpsicle. The fingers had worn out on the man\u2019s gloves, and his parka had ragged holes.<\/p>\n \u201cHomeless,\u201d I said. \u201cYou know this guy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFrenchie,\u201d said Seargent Philmont. \u201cUsed to holler like a lunatic at passers-by. Harmless, but he scares the hell outta pedestrians. We pick him up damn near every week. His broom is over there.\u201d He pointed toward a dumpster. \u201cNo sign of his bike.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about this?\u201d I pulled out a pen and poked at the sandwich still clutched in the dead man\u2019s hand like his last salvation. The foot-long sub had a few bites taken out of it.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s what I don\u2019t get.\u201d The sergeant bent over. I noticed he didn\u2019t shiver as obviously as I did, meaning he\u2019d been out in this freezing bullshit too damned long. \u201cIf another hobo stabbed him, why didn\u2019t he take the sandwich?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDamned fine sandwich too\u201d\u2014chicken covered in melted provolone, saut\u00e9ed mushrooms, onions, green pepper, and a creamy orange sauce I couldn\u2019t identify. My stomach growled, and I realized I\u2019d missed lunch. Even spilled all over the pavement, in a dead man\u2019s hand, half eaten, this chicken cheese sandwich called to me. I pulled out my phone and looked up the nearest sub shops. \u201cThere\u2019s a Subway a block south and a Mr. Sub a block north.\u201d<\/p>\n The sergeant stamped snow off his boots. \u201cI\u2019ll send a couple officers\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo need.\u201d I stood up and worked the kinks out of my knees. \u201cThis here\u2019s a Chickencheese.\u201d<\/p>\n The sergeant gave me a dubious look. \u201cLooks like Chicken Philly Cheesesteak to me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHell no.\u201d I pointed at the sandwich. \u201cLook at the bread\u2014panini. See the grill marks? This hasn\u2019t been in a Subway toaster oven. Mr. Sub does proper panini. Let\u2019s get lunch, and a lead. I got a sudden craving for Chickencheese.\u201d<\/p>\n The sergeant shrugged. \u201cMan, I haven\u2019t been in a Mr. Sub in ages. Didn\u2019t even know they did panini.\u201d<\/p>\n As we walked toward the police car, Captain Janson opened the door. She huddled in the driver\u2019s seat rubbing her hands and puffing white clouds into the frigid air. \u201cTemperature\u2019s dropped ten degrees in the last hour,\u201d she said. \u201cCalgary weather is a joke-and-a-half.\u201d<\/p>\n I piled into the backseat and put on my most charming smile. \u201cUp for lunch, Captain?\u201d<\/p>\n She craned her head around to face me, her cheeks all ablush from the cold and her nose rosy. She looked adorable, especially when she broke out in dimples when she smiled. \u201cOff to Timmies?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNaw.\u201d I beat the snow off my shoulders and stamped my boots. \u201cMr. Sub.\u201d<\/p>\n Her face turned sour. Poor Mr. Sub, forsaken, uncool, because they didn\u2019t sell themselves out to the Americans and spend millions on annoying ads like Tim Whoretons. These boys\u2014and girls\u2014in blue didn\u2019t give a solid shit. If only they knew the glorious mouthful that is Chickencheese, the finest Canada had to offer.<\/p>\n \u201cGot a lead there,\u201d said the Sergeant. Imagining a hot, fresh Chickencheese in my frozen hands, I found the excuse serviceable enough.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t knock Mr. Sub,\u201d I said. \u201cSeriously. You gotta peep that Chickencheese. It\u2019s to die for.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2026<\/p>\n Get the new Chickencheese at Mr. Sub (only $5.99) before we close forever.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (2013 – 592 Words) This is my commentary on cynical and \u201cedgy\u201d advertising campaigns. It was originally written for the Something Awful Chickencheese Challenge. A dead man lay in the alley on 14th and 14th, his body already covered in light snow. Started an hour ago\u2014no fresh tracks except the homicide crew shuffling behind police […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":24,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-42","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/42","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/42\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":232,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/42\/revisions\/232"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/24"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sarahdimento.com\/~sarah\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n