Ethics for Dudebros: The Golden Mean

You may think Aristotle was just some boring old Greek philosopher dude, but he taught Alexander the Great how to conquer the world (most of it anyway) so Aristotle totally knew his shit. He was a dude who knew how to live the good life, and he laid down how everyone else could be good dudes too, by following what he called the Golden Mean.

The Golden Mean is our scale for being a Chillbro. It means if you go too far with something, you’re being an Asshole, whereas if you’re not doing enough, you’re being a Douche. Being a Chillbro means sitting comfortably between the two extremes. According to Stotes (Stotes is what I call my main man, Aristotle), there’s 12 ways you can be awesome (Virtues), but 24 ways you can fuck it up (Vices), so there’s two Vices to Each Virtue. Here’s a chart to make it nice and simple:

 How a dude is at:AssholeChillbroDouchebag
1Being BraveFucktardBadassChickenshit
2Self-ControlJunkieCoolGranola
3Spending MoneySpendaciousParty AnimalCheapass
4Being RichPimped OutAwesomeBoho
5Being a Good Sport/LeaderCockEpicLoser
6Getting Things DoneGrindHustlerSlacker
7Keeping His CoolRageaholicChillWuss
8Telling it Like it isBullshitterRealSandbagger/Humblebragger
9Laying Down the FunnyClownshoesRoflcopterTightass
10Hanging OutKissassBroPissy
11Handling ShamePisspotomusStudBroho
12Curbing JealousyHaterRighteousTroll
  1. So for the Virtue of being Brave, you can either be a Chickenshit if you’re not brave enough, or a Fucktard if you’re so stupid-brave you ramp your motorcycle off a bridge because you thought you could totally jump onto that garbage barge and now your motorcycle is totaled and you’re stuck with a broken neck on a garbage barge.
  2. For Self-Control, if you have none you’re a Junkie and it doesn’t matter for what. But if you don’t know how to enjoy anything, you’re totally Granola. Like, a Granola dude is someone who rags on other people for doing cool shit like eating meat and playing beer-pong, so he’s no fun to be around at all.
  3. When it comes to spending money, the Party Animal is a dude who buys his bros drinks, which is cool because nobody like a Cheapass. But if a bro maxes out his credit cards on hookers and blow and can’t pay it off, he’s an idiot – a Spendacious idiot.
  4. Now the last point was how the average dude should spend money, but Stotes also mentioned how the rich can be Awesome, or not. The Pimped-Out dude is a dude who tricks out his shitmobile with spinners and purple neon lights to show off how much he doesn’t know how to spend his money, whereas a truly awesome dude would just buy a Farrari or something. At the other extreme is the Boho – the trust fund baby who’s slumming it to show how he’s totally not like his dad, and buys some POS ecomobile to shame other people for burning gas.
  5. On being a Leader, or just a Good Sport, a dude is Epic if he’s done something honestly awesome. If he never does anything awesome, or just whines all the time, he’s a Loser. But if he’s pushing people around and bragging and shit, whether he wins or not, he’s a total Cock.
  6. Someone who gets results is a Hustler, which is a good way to be. Better than being a Slacker, the dude who does fuck all – a little slack is cool, but a total slacker has no self-respect and never gets anywhere. You don’t want to be a Grind though, because if you work yourself to death for little reward, you have no pride.
  7. When it comes to keeping your cool, well this should be pretty obvious. Being a Rageoholic is bad for your health, and everyone else’s. No one wants to be around a guy who constantly loses his top over dumbass shit. On the other hand, it’s not cool to curl into a little ball and cry at the slightest hint of confrontation, so don’t be a Wuss either.
  8. Now, you want to be a stand-up dude when it comes to owning up, so keep it Real. No one respects a chronic Bullshitter, and no one respects the guy who plays shit off like it’s no big deal either. That dude is either the Sandbagger, someone who makes himself out to be bad at something so he can pull the rug out and win, or the Humblebragger, who bitches about his first world problems to make himself look good.
  9. Though a little bit of bullshit is okay if it’s funny. Don’t be Clownshoes, the dude who makes a total ass of himself, talks too loud, cracks jokes that just aren’t funny, and never knows when to fucking stop. But don’t be a Tightass either. Learn how to take a joke, and how to make one. The Roflcopter is a dude who lifts other people up.
  10. As for hanging out, be a good Bro to your bros. Chummy is good, but don’t be a Kissass. It makes everyone around you uncomfortable. Don’t be Pissy either. No one like a crabby asshole. I know, Stotes put the crabby asshole on the Douche side of the chart, but that’s because he was measuring how much/how little care a dude has.
  11. The same switcheroo can be seen on the Stud spectrum, where the chart means too much/too little shame. A Pisspotomus is so full of shame he pisses himself about everything, and the Broho is a dude with no shame at all – and I don’t mean being a ho just about sex, but a dude who’ll eat a lump of dog shit off the street for ten bucks. Is the Broho a Douche or an Asshole? Stote’s chart says he’s a Douche but it works either way.
  12. Last of all is how you handle dicks in your life. A Righteous dude is someone who gets choked for the right reasons, like someone kissing his girlfriend. If the dude is mean but not angry, like if he’s playing people off one another for yuks, he’s a Troll. Whereas a dude who can’t stand to see anyone else do good is a Hater, and fuck that guy.

So that’s how the Golden Mean breaks down for the 21st century dude. Use it well, my Bros, and make yourself Chill.

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Sarah Dimento

The only thing interesting about me is my interest in interesting things – and sometimes I make cool shit.

6 thoughts to “Ethics for Dudebros: The Golden Mean”

  1. Duuuuude. This is, like, soooo deep.

    Now all you need is to cover some of the other, like, philosopher dudes, and you can do a book and call it HOW TO MAN: Philosophy For Dudebros. Which would be totally Real of you.

  2. This was the best laugh I’ve had in weeks and was desperately needed today. Thank you!

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